SUMMER ESSENTIALS :D

She…

The day was a scorching hot summer day, she sat by the window of her room thinking why was the sweat dripping down her back, without realizing that the fan was not switched on and that the hot air from the window was the only source of “air”. She looked at the clock it said 15.00; she quickly made a note that “15” was not a very Indian way to say it is 3.00 pm. She smiled at how influentially westernized she had become since the time she remembered playing son-sakli and dabba express.

But that small bit reason to smile made her tremble, tremble at some thought, a fearful thought. She could feel drops of pearl coming out of her eyes; she could feel the disgust inside. She saw that her childhood was not only about sweet memories as she recalled a stranger dripping his libido filled white juice on her 5 year old vagina she cringed and felt nauseatic. She couldn’t remember that man’s face or colour or caste or his clothes, but all she could remember is that after that day when she grew up to know what exactly had happened to her she lost her faith in humanity. She couldn’t think of someone trying to do this to a child, a being that was stripped of its innocence to a curious mean mind. She tried to get over it by speaking of it to her love, she tried to get over it by reading a book on child sexual abuse. She didn’t read the book because she ought to know how to fight it but because she wanted to know that there were others like her in this world.

She had got over it, nearly forgotten about it, but than those series of days came where her cousin would wriggle on top of her every night, jerking back and forth, initially it started with touching her “assets”. The first day she got up to see him touching, but his eyes were closed like he was dreaming, she read an article on people who indulge in sexual activities in their sleep and don’t remember the next day about it. She empathized him on being “sick”, but didn’t know how she would tell her aunt about the state of her “son’s” mental state. Her aunt could misunderstand her, could think she was lying or could simply overlook the matter because a son is the child who stays with the family forever and an Indian family would never want to lose such an asset. She slept everynight fearfully closing her eyes and reminding herself to be alert, but her dreams would fool her and she would linger into the world of “fast asleep” soon. Then suddenly she would wake up to that loathed touch in the middle of the night. But one day she just found him on top her, fully clothed, no penetration, he was just moving on top of her, she got up with a start, he moved back to his bed still “fast asleep”. She got up ran to the loo, she couldn’t think straight, she knew she was dressed when she found him on top, but she still looked for blood stains in her underpants, she looked for a long time, checking again and again to make sure she was a virgin. She cried her heart out that night, she got back memories of her childhood, she felt an extreme disgust for herself. She started seeing herself as some cheap slut whose innocence and dignity was stripped off. The nights became better he had stopped making her the target, she slept better and didn’t go out of the home with a shadow under her eyes, she started eating well. Then she thought of sharing it with her love, she told him how it was, he instantly charged his rageful words at how he hated her cousin for this, he didn’t hug her and say don’t worry I will always be there for you. Sometimes men just don’t know what women feel like, then she made a correction in her head that they ‘never’ know what a woman feels like.

She started having trouble understanding herself because there were three worlds she lived in, one world was where her parents didn’t see any potential in her, a second world where she was looked upto amongst her “friends” (she didn’t have a lot of them) and the third world where she knew her body was stripped off its dignity and where she felt like a slut, then there was this small world where she could be a kid, be a woman and a mother, it was where she has herself, her brother and her lover, the small world that she was proud to own and live in. She was the happiest there, she got free love and absolutely free smiles. She could feel the sun shining upon her, with the sweet smell of wet soil and the cold comfort of winter breeze all at once. Then after a few days it started happening again, her cousin’s “wants” had returned, she immediately spoke of it the next day to her love, he forced her and angrily admonished her for not speaking to her mother, she gathered courage and in an urge to save her fourth small world in falling apart she spoke to her mother. Her mother got agitated, said she will speak to the cousin and to his mother, her mother sat quiet through dinner that night thinking about it. After a few days her mother asked her to wear a bra in the night too, she realized what her mother was thinking about, she caught her mothers thought which spoke loud and clear that she was not dressed properly and hence those libido-advances at her. She lost all her dignity that day, she kept her love away from this little detail but she told him how ugly and small she felt. He listened every single time she said it, she started saying it every single month in an urge to get rid of the feeling. But all she did was she kept on spending her love’s patience. From the fourth small world she was losing her brother’s hand slowly and gradually and realizing this she clung to her love’s hand even more tightly. The effect was he wanted to leave her, had lost his patience and could not see the same girl he fell in love with

Now, she was sitting at the window after he hung up on her saying, “There is no future in this relationship.” She sat there still unmoved and still, she didn’t cry or scream at herself looking into the mirror. She got up wrote a hurried letter saying. “Nobody is to be blamed.” And she slowly moved to the kitchen to see the sharpened steel, she got it close to herself.

She woke up with a jerk, she was dreaming, she had slept after continuously crying for a day over her soon to come break up. She knew her fourth small world would fall apart in a few days. She cried thinking of how the people she prayed for were not bothered about her well-being, she felt as if all the negativity of their lives had affected her life while all the positivity from her life was sucked out and fed into their lives. But what was the solution to all her problems to all the mental unrest.
What was the outcome of all the emotional unrest? She will give up? Is that how she would want it to be? She was never the fancy warrior kinds from those old story books, she was rather the emotional characters like the ones who would give up their lives for others. But the ones who would give up their lives were known, people knew their name and who they were. Then she realized that all this while she expected for others to understand her, while the world didn’t, she should carry on for the sake of understanding herself. Just the way she has not been named in this entire story she would not want to go out of this world without people knowing her name. She said to herself that until people know her name, know her, she is not giving up!

For once that I spoke…

For once that I spoke of the twinge,
And all I heard was an empathetic nod.
You didn’t bother about the time spent,
Time spent on this melodramatic fixation.
One, two, three and it went on blurring;
I realized I had taken all you could give me.
The time and patience to listen
To listen to the unfinished sob.
Whiney words and aggravated lines,
Your absence was appreciated by the self-pitying soul.
And now I think I can go on with life,
With the grown up heart, mind and thought.
Thank you for all the help that holds my hand,
Provided by your missing presence.

Long time

It has been quite sometime since I last posted. But now I think I will start writing again, writing again here. So, more posts to come and many more spilling over from the most sincerity....:)

God Bless